updates

fred offered me full-time yesterday morning, i’m just waiting on the paperwork.  now i just need to wait a month and i’ll have medical benefits again! w00t.  nerf gun wars, here i come!

i’ve been working in the Chicago office for the past couple weeks, mainly for training.  my last meeting was yesterday but i asked to stay today and tomorrow cuz i’d need to come back for the wedding and send-off service anyway.  soooo i’m still here.

it’s been surprisingly hard.  at first i thought of it as kind of like a paid vacation.. i was so excited to be home for a couple weeks, before transitioning into life on my own in chambana!  but it was so much harder than i thought it would be… i was commuting with my mom to Chicago every morning and back every night, and as much as the hours were a pain (5:30am, get back at 8pm), thinking my mom did this EVERYDAY on her own… (M-Sat)… i knew i couldn’t really complain (even tho i did, a lot probably)…

i’d go to work, come back for dinner, and then my mom would force me to bed.  work, eat, sleep. 

it was hard to imagine people doing this, every weekday, for a good portion of their lives.  what keeps them going?  what motivates them to press on?  is it the necessity of money, or is there some hope.. some joy…

the harvest is everywhere… and i dont feel prepared…

learning how to pray/injuring my ankle

i sprained my ankle on april 26th, 2008. i remember the date because it was the day after my birthday. we were playing nerf gun war, and i attempted an 8-step (or so) jump off a flight of stairs in greg hall to the first floor. the side of my left ankle hit the first step coming down, and the rest is history.

it’s amazing what a simple, stupid act can teach you, whether it’s as simple as “don’t jump when you’re 8 steps above the ground” (which is ironically pretty much exactly what i was thinking before i jumped, and i jumped anyway -_-), or simply as profound as learning how to depend on God.

being a part-time student and part-time worker (well not anymore, but i was), i didn’t have the benefits of a full-time student or worker, which meant no health benefits. and on top of that, i’d lose my health insurance as a dependent under my parents as soon as i turned 22. but the plan was to get a full-time job by the end of may or so, so i’d only have a month without health insurance, no big deal. and i figured i could pull a john paik and make a calendar of days where people can pray that i don’t die that day.

but i forgot to do that. and i forgot to pray for my own well-being the day after my bday. result: a sprained ankle. (tho, after praying and asking others to pray, was not a broken ankle, praise God!)

such a silly thing, and God used it to show me how much i need him, even if it’s just a day. i couldn’t last a whole day being injury-free without His grace. no more taking things for granted, time to pray!

Praise the Lord!!

i passed 440.

i can officially graduate.

NO MORE SCHOOL!!!!!

zomg finals

with finals week coming up pretty quickly, i’m reminded constantly of a phrase in Ephesians 5:16… in context:

Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Ephesians 5:15-16

with less than a full week of class left before finals begin, all i think to myself is, wow. the days truly are evil. i know it’s not really what Paul was talking about, but it gives me a good illustration of how i should approach each day, and how i actually do approach it…

with only 7 days til my one crucial final exam (i have 2 others but they’re not crucial, this is like life or death >.<… but not really), i find myself regretting the days of slacking off even slightly, and preparing myself like mad crazy for one sleep-deprived week. ok maybe not sleep-deprived, but definitely intense.

and in reflecting on what i should have done this semester, it all comes down to daily faithfulness. it was that one moment that i told myself it was ok to sleep in, or rest a little bit more… that’s the moment i lost my head, my focus. and a little rest become more, and soon i was way behind to the point where this upcoming final became life-or-death-but-not-really.

and i need to remember this with my daily walk with God as well. that i can’t just keep putting things off, or slacking off in serving my Lord even in the little things, until just a bit before my final judgment. because unlike my final exam, i won’t know when that is. but even more than that, it’s my heart and my attitude that matters. my final grade will be based on number, but my final question will be did I truly love God? and that’s a question i can and need to ask myself daily… will i make the most of every opportunity now, to love and serve my God?

i made a mistake, and i’m ok

i think for the sake of being edifying, i won’t disclose the specifics of what the mistake was.  but all sin is the same anyway, regardless of our perspectives of its magnitude… they’re all acts of disobedience to a perfect and holy God.  so you can think of it that way… i disobeyed God.

even in the midst of my actions, i was completely fascinated by the mix of thoughts and emotions racing thru me… i’ll try to dissect.  (disclaimer:  if you aren’t familiar with dual natures, you might think i’m schitzo.  but i’m really not.  i just have.. dual natures…)

passion:  one thing i underestimate so many times is my love of sin.  in my head i knew the right thing to do, but clearly my heart didn’t want to listen.  passion in rebellion.

restraint:  this was the most curious, and.. hopeful?  even in this sin that i’ve given into many times before, i could feel part of my heart not wanting to give in again, even tho it was definitely something i loved to do before.  my heart was divided, against the sin.  which meant the other part of my heart desired something better, something that was good, not sinful. 

disappointment:  for something that i wanted to get over, to keep in my past, i was extremely disappointed in myself for letting myself succumb to it again.  i wished i would have been stronger.  but what frustrated me the most was knowing i could have been stronger.

hope:  it’s surprising how much you learn from one semester of Bible studies in Romans.  even tho i can be so tempted, it’s only the power of sin that is still present, and not the consequence of sin.  i’m alive to God thru Christ Jesus!  these temptations, i can overcome, because they were already defeated by Jesus… He gives me hope for the future, knowing that one day i will be made perfect in Him…

fear and shame:  of the immediate consequences of my actions.  what will people think of me?  what will God think of me?  even after my conscious rebellion and disobedience, will i still be forgiven?

joy:  in knowing that God sees me the same always, a sinner justified and forgiven thru my union with Christ.  and not only that, but i am growing.  i am changing.  and i am becoming more like my Lord and Savior, even in these times when such a thing seems impossible.  

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.  - 1 John 1:9

 

zombies

i’m really not one to watch zombie movies and such (i really really really don’t like them…), but resident evil 3 was on tv last night, and since i had already been dragged into watching the first two when they came out, i figured i might as well finish the series.

while i was watching, judy asked me if i thought zombies actually existed. i thought it was kind of a silly question at first, and of course replied no way. but i guess she had actually given it some thought, and didn’t present the question merely to freak me out by putting the thought into my head that these scenarios portrayed in the movie could actually happen…… she asked about lazarus, if i thought he was a zombie, since he had been raised from the dead. what an interesting perspective. i gave it some thought, but couldn’t really come up with anything.

then this morning i was reminded of the past couple Bible studies we had done in Romans 6, being dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus. it occurred to me that lazarus couldn’t be a zombie, because zombie were simply “undead”. lazarus had been raised to life by Jesus. he wasn’t just not dead anymore, but he was given new life!

and in the same way, we too are alive, not just undead! Romans 6:11 doesn’t stop at count ourselves dead to sin, but it adds on and alive to God in Christ Jesus. there’s no point in being not dead if we’re not alive, right? otherwise, we’d just be spiritual zombies! and the only way for us to be made alive again is by Christ Jesus… if it had been anyone else, maybe lazarus would have been a zombie… O_O what a scary thought.

why am i still awake…

this morning, i was planning on meeting judy and kelli at morning prayer, but they went on ahead of me cuz i was still rolling around in bed somewhat. eventually i fought my incredibly strong desire to stay in bed, got out, then fought my desire to get back in bed, slipped on some shoes and headed out. i looked at the clock, and i saw that i would only have about 15 min of prayer time left by the time i got there, but i figured better late than never…

a couple things went thru my head as i was making my way to tcbc: 1. i shouldn’t have worn flip flops. my poor freezing toes. 2. i want to go back and sleep. =_=

i finally arrived at the church, and went inside. but something didn’t seem right… there weren’t any people praying in the lobby. that’s odd… i thought. but went inside anyway. maybe i just don’t see them… but that wasn’t true either. i looked around the lobby, and then inside the sanctuary, but i still saw no one! i wondered if maybe morning prayer had temporarily moved to a different part of the building, or a different building altogether, but thought there would at least be signs or some sort of notice if that were to happen… and then i considered seriously for a moment if the rapture had come today, and i had just missed jesus… then my logical side kicked in and i went to look at the clock inside the sanctuary… 7:50. but how could that be? it didn’t take me that long to walk to mp…

then i realized that my sleep-deprived mind had definitely looked at the time that read 7:40 am, and registered that there were still 20 minutes left of mp… thinking it ended at 8am instead of 7:30.

at least i didn’t miss jesus. i’m going back to sleep.

i have not blogged in a long time

it’s kinda weird trying to get back into the swing of things. actually thinking thoughts out before typing them up, and then writing them in a way that makes sense to other people when they read it. i think it’ll be good for me… maybe it’ll re-teach me how to transform the clouds of emotions and pictures in my head to more practical mediums…