living in debt

recently i’ve been struggling a lot financially… and i know, i know i am one of the few fortunate ones to still have a job (knockonwood), but my parents’ debt (which i guess really is party my own debt in student loans and all that) and my brother’s tuition overfloweth into my checking account.

aaaand i’m broke. and i’ve been really stressed, and burdened, and feeling like this is neverrr going to ennnnddddd

i find myself thinking, is this all i’m living for? holding a job and working for the sole purpose of helping to get myself and my parents out of debt? seriously?

but maybe it is. maybe the hopelessness of my financial debt is supposed to show me the even greater hopelessness of trying to pay the debt that i owed to God.

maybe life isn’t supposed to be easy, so that we can truly appreciate being able to type that letter ‘d’ in the previous sentence…

hoping this is what they call ‘rock bottom’…

but not expecting it to be.

can it get worse than this? really?

stone or flesh

i cant even recall the number of times i’ve been so reluctant or unwilling to serve, or pray, or love for others.   and i think i’m realizing that if it weren’t for God changing my heart, those number of times would be all the time…

and over and over again, i learn that God’s grace is enough.  i being a prayer with a hard and selfish heart, asking for Him to help me to pray, and i end in thankfulness for his sufficient grace and power at work within me.  He’s changing me, slowly but surely… taking my heart of stone and making it a heart of flesh.

jkuo told me to update

hi.

bbl.

my sg thinks i’m crazy

just cuz my stuffed animals have heart motives and i thought they used to come out and play at night when i was little.  i mean honestly, who didn’t think that?

but i guess if people are gonna think i’m crazy anyway, i might as well be crazy for jesus.  at least then it’ll be purposeful insanity…

abel 5, we so fly

let’s love jesus like crazy this year

people might think we’re crazy, but we’ll know in our hearts there’s no other way to live…

threadless, when do we part?

as much as i’m not ready to stop buying or wearing these shirts of creative genius, especially since they currently comprise about half my wearable wardrobe, i feel like there’s something a bit off about being in the mid 20’s and wearing a tee and jeans all the time. that’s probably stacey and clinton’s doing…

so now i’m in the process of slowly buying things that i can wear post campus life… while still getting those email newletters from threadless in my gmail. it’s hard to give up a style that is so casual and easy, but the day is coming… i just wonder when…

i guess growing up calls for a lot of sacrifice, even minor ones like threadless shirts…

rock climbing

our small group went with dennis’ to bloomington for some physically hardcore fun … i’d done it a bit in high school, so i was pretty familiar with how things worked, but i still failed the belay test. fail.

basically, for each climb, there’s a climber and a belayer, who stays on the ground and holds the other end of the rope. there’s a technique to it, to make sure the climber won’t fall to his/her death if they lose their grip or whatnot. and they can let the climber down slowly after they finish climbing. and the climber can climb with confidence that he/she will make it back to the ground safely, regardless of how high they go…

when i was watching people climb, and even remembering my thoughts when i was climbing, i thought it was really curious that even tho there was someone there to make sure i wouldn’t fall, i’d still climb holding on tight to those colorfully fake rocks as if my life depended on it. i was climbing as if it were only me, trying not to depend on my belayer, but knowing that without her there, i would have given up a long time ago.

i thought it was a good picture of our dependence on God. there are times when we depend too little, thinking we can climb up that wall on our own, without Him belaying us and making sure we don’t fall. and there are other times when we try to depend too much and ask Him to pull us up to the top without us doing any work.

But God is good, and He catches us when we fall, even when we don’t ask Him to. and He doesn’t pull us to the top on His own, even tho He is able, because He wants us to learn how to climb.

a time to let go..?

surrendering things to God doesn’t come easier with age, it seems.  it’s not that i don’t trust that God has something wonderful in store for me.  not anymore at least.  but, when an opportunity comes along, and you can’t possibly imagine anything better…… and it makes you almost physically nauseous to think about giving it up……. (altho that might just be because i ate too much for lunch..) ……do you accept it as God-given and pursue it, or still surrender it, and hope for Him to slingshot it back to you, so it knocks you on the head with a note with your name written on it so you know for sure…..

how do you know when it’s time to let go?

 

zomg i’m a morning person

who knew?  after so many all-nighters, and staying up really late to finish homework and mps and whatnot… i just kind of assumed i was a night person… since i was always up late anyway.  and then as a result, i wouldn’t really be able to get up very early in the mornings, due to lack of sleep.  so i’d be kinda grouchy in the mornings….

but when i go to bed a bit earlier, or even not sometimes, and i get up early for mp or a bit later for work…. it’s amaaaazzzzinnnngggg!!!!! i feel soooo wonderful and ready to go!   i need to start getting up early from now on. 

…………………or maybe drinking a cup of coffee every morning.  i wonder if that’s why i’m so energetic this morning….. O_O

 

NAHHHHHHHHHHH

true friendship.

deskjet1989v2:  maybe you shouldn’t spend so much money on foods
j/k j/k
me:  yea im trying to cut back
deskjet1989v2:  lolo
you’re just fine as you are crystal
 me:  nooo stop saying that
deskjet1989v2:  lol why?
 me:  i need to be motivated
10 pounds!
 deskjet1989v2:  haha
xD
 me:  i need a scale..
 deskjet1989v2:  but too much motivation is bad
what do you want me to say?
crystal you’re a fatty mcfat
 me:  well that’s good then, i never have too much motivation
haha thanks
thank you for your support.
hahaha
 deskjet1989v2:  lol
your’e so soooooft
and squissssshy
like that sheep we got you
 me:  LOL

 

…yes… soft and squishy.